“What is the best way to approach and/or help a family when I see their child having a meltdown?”

That is a great question and I appreciate the tone of compassion that seems to be behind it.

When a child is having a “meltdown” in a public place it is often assumed that the child is just spoiled and the parents are just bad parents. Maybe that is true, but it is probably not true. There are a growing number of children and parents that are struggling with a variety of challenges that neither reflects the child’s desire to get his or her way nor the parent’s ability to manage that child appropriately.  For example, children on the Autistic Spectrum are often unable to regulate a reaction to an often unpredictable stimulus. Imagine yourself at work and twenty different people come to you at the exact same time demanding your attention, the phone rings on all four lines, the fire alarm is going off, seven wasps are swarming your head, three of your coworkers have ringtones of three different Weird Al Yankovic songs, and two stray cats in a chase spill coffee on your new pants. Not to mention, the partridge in the pear tree is molting. Frustrated yet? That feeling is a small taste of what some children face when stimulated by a sound, a light, a color, or even a smell. You might have a meltdown too. So, what should you do?

1. Recognize that the parent is likely embarrassed and assumes that others are judging harshly.
2. These parents tell me that a reassuring smile and nod goes a long way in easing their tension.
3. If possible, be reassuring by saying, “I understand that you are more than capable of handling this but I am willing to help if you need it.”
4. You are not going to help hold the child. (Unless you have some desire to risk a lawsuit.) You can help gather things that go flying or just usher other onlookers away.
5. If the parent or guardian tells you they “got it” or something harsher, graciously walk away.  In a better situation, that parent might be more polite but at the moment, they are trying to keep themselves and the child safe.

One last point on behalf of all the parents and guardians that are struggling with these challenges: I have heard people say, “Well if the child is not able to act appropriately in public then they should not go out.”  Do we really want to imprison families in their homes to avoid a few moments of awkwardness on aisle ten? Now the awkwardness of the way some people dress in public; that is much easier to solve. I hope.

“It feels like the only way my kids listen is when I yell and go crazy. How do I get them to listen to me when I am not yelling?”

First of all, you should know that thousands of people reading this article just shook their heads in solidarity with you. You are in a big club; a very big, frustrated club. But, that is not really helpful.

Think about “Why” the yelling makes a difference. Most parents tell me that their kids know that yelling “means business”. In other words, everyone knows that you really mean what you say when you yell and the time for compromise and testing your patience is gone. Is it possible for you to “mean business” long before the yelling?

Many parents have been trapped into “debate and compromise parenting”. Ward Halverson, a therapist in New York, suggests that parents should give instructions in three seconds or less. Example – PARENT (in a calm, respectful tone): “It is time to clean up your mess.”  CHILD: “I don’t want to do it right now.” (or some other refusal)  PARENT (still calm): “I am now going to count to three. You can choose to clean up the mess and receive my thanks or not clean up your mess and we start removing a privilege for 24 hours each time I have to repeat it. After three times, then you will bag up (three items that were previously determined with the child to be important to them and the “consequence” items) for 24 hours.”

The key is to be respectful, concise (don’t over explain which is confusing and leaves an opportunity for debate and manipulation), and CONSISTENT. If you say you are going to do something, you had better actually be able to do it. The first time you fail to carry out the consequence the child will know that it is always possible that, with the right amount of frustrations given, it could happen again.

Oh, if your child asks, “Why do I have to __________?” Your answer: “I will be glad to explain it to you after you do it.” They seldom come back for the explanation because all they really wanted to do was get out of doing the task. I recommend Ward Halverson’s “The Simple Three Parenting System” to the parents with whom I work. (I have no affiliation with Ward Halverson or “The Simple Three Parenting System”).